YOU MUST LISTEN TO THE MUSICAL INTERLUDES!
Henri and Phily walked up the swirly gold staircase in Buckingham Palace arm in arm. They were affectionate, which meant they loved each other deep in their hearts, but not too affectionate which would mean they weren’t in love with each other and it was just a marriage of convenience.
They entered the queen’s study.
‘Hello granny’ Henri said and kneeled to the floor to kiss her feet.
‘Henry my favorite grandson, please rise’
Phily stood an appropriate step behind Henri. She was wearing a powder blue dress suit. The jacket closed up to her neck and the skirt was just above her ankles.
‘This is Philanthropina, I would like your permission to marry her’
Liz summoned Phily to her and sniffed her armpit, ‘you are a pauper girl?’
‘I am your majesty’
‘What happened to the sexy ladies I fixed you up with Henry?’
‘W-w-w-well granny, I knew they were trouble when they walked in, so shame on me now, blew me to places I’ve never been…’
‘Really Henry I don’t need to know the sordid details. Why should I accept this pauper girl?’
Henry pulled something long and firm from his pant pocket. Phily’s nethers quivered again and she quickly punched herself in the face for thinking such unchaste thoughts.
To Phily’s great relief, it was just a ruler. Henri knelt to the floor and measured her heel.
‘2 inches exactly! And she did not have pre-warning granny!’
Liz thought of the first time she’d met Kate Middlescum. It was at the wedding of some grandson that she didn’t care about so could not remember the name of. She saw Middlescum in the ladies’ bathroom urinating in the sink. She knew from that moment on that she must remove William from the line of succession.
‘Tell Jamie Lowther Pinkerton there’s a new duchess in town!! Now where’s the par-tayyyyy!’
It was the day of Phily’s bachelorette party and she arrived at the 4 million pound apartment for the costume party Katniss was throwing for her. The theme was famous musicians and Phily had come as Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music.
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton opened the door dressed as Liza Minelli in Cabaret.
Katniss was in the middle of the room on a spherical swing. She was unclothed but for a pair of boots.
'Sister, you look lovely, who are you dressed as?' Phily asked.
'Duh. Miley Cyrus asshole' Katniss said, swinging her hair around.
Katniss star jumped off the swing and Phily had to avert her eyes once more from her nethers, but also from her areolas.
‘Welcome bee-atch!’ Katniss said.
‘Thankyou for this wonderful party sister’ replied Phily.
‘Don’t call me sister, call me bee-atch’
‘I would never disrespect you so’ Phily said.
‘No I couldn’t possibly’
‘Say it bitch!’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton stepped in before it got ugly, ‘shall we have some canapés?’
‘Yes, I’ll help you’ Phily said running after him.
‘Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, why are you here and where are the other guests?’
‘Kermajesty asked me to be the waitress today. I believe you are the only guests’
‘You are right to be nervous’ Jamie Lowther Pinkerton whispered. ‘I believe she’s up to no good’
Just then, the doorbell rang and Kermajesty opened it to a police man.
‘I hear there’s been a noise complaint’ said the cop.
Phily gasped, she’d never been in trouble with the law.
Kermajesty laughed and pointed to Phily. He walked towards her and suddenly he started singing and removing his clothing!
Kermajesty was chanting ‘go athur go arthur’ as he chased Phily around the 4 million pound apartment, dancing with his nethers out.
Finally Phily snapped, ‘I will not betray my love! Leave me be Arthur Landon!’
The room became silent apart from a drop between Kermajesty’s legs. It was a recording device that she had hidden between her butt cheeks.
Phily screamed and ran and ran back to Henri’s not 4 million pound cottage.
‘Ma princesse! Ca va?’ Henri said, rushing to her side. He had not had a bachelor party as he preferred to complete his charity vegetable patch in his spare time.
‘Katniss, I mean Kermajesty…she tried to set me up with a stripper!’
‘Sacré bleu! Granny was right, we must seize the throne from my brother before they strike again!’
Meanwhile, Will.I.Am had returned from Wales where he’d been visiting his mistress and Kermajesty told him the bad news.
‘I told you to hide it in your nethers, your butt cheeks cannot hold it!’
‘Im sorry big boy, but I have a new plan, we shall bring them down on the biggest day of their lives! I’ll teach that busybody not to mess with a Middleton!’
The day of the wedding was a sunny day, of course. Phily got dressed in her custom wedding dress made by the hands of sick African children, who she also had as bridesmaids and page boys.
‘Are you nervous?’ Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, Phily’s maid of honor said to her. Henri wanted to have Jamie Lowther Pinkerton as his best man but he was forced to have Will.I.Am.
‘I am as calm as can be’ Phily sang as a bird flew into the window and landed on her finger. The bird was holding a note in its foot.
Phily read it and began to sob, ‘it says, “my beautiful angel Phily, I will love you forever amen jesus”. Oh he’s so romantic and so pious too!’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton placed the queen’s wedding tiara on her head and they went off to St Paul’s Cathedral in a golden carriage.
Over at the cathedral, the guests including the Dali Lama and Amanda Seyfried were arriving. Kermajesty was wearing a modest yellow dress that would only expose her areolas under bright lights. Will.I.Am was in his red uniform and Gayorg was wearing a frilly white dress and bonnet.
‘Has the eagle landed, big boy?’ Kermajesty said.
‘Boom boom pow’ he said back.
Henri arrived wearing a pure white military outfit and waited at the altar. Outside, twenty million people were waiting for their new duchess. Five trillion were watching at home.
An announcement came over the big speakers –‘PRINCE HENRY AND PHILANTHROPINA WILL BE GIVEN THE TITLES PRINCE AND PRINCESS OF THE PEOPLE’
Kermajesty screamed and Will.I.Am restrained her from biting Eugbea who was sitting behind her. ‘Bloody bastards!!!!’ she screamed.
Phily arrived to loud cheers. There were tears of joy as she stepped out of the carriage and walked to the door. No one knew who would walk her down the aisle as she was an orphan. There were gasps of delight as Her Majesty the Queen took her arm and walked her down.
‘You are like the daughter I never had’ said Liz.
Phily was too kind hearted to correct her.
They had chosen ‘in the arms of the angel’ to be sung by a choir of Phily’s pauper child friends. It was a beautiful sound.
All of a sudden there was a great disturbance in the choir stalls, the children were being pushed over to make way for someone.
Jimmu pushed herself to the front. She was in a neon pink bikini dress. She gave the signal and Kermajesty reached under her dress and pressed play.
She looked right at Henri and began.
The place was silent. Phily looked to Henri who was red. She ran to him and said, ‘is it true, have you given your flower to Jimmu?!’
Henri nodded solemnly. ‘It was before I met you my love’
Kermajesty and Will.I.Am were twerking in the stalls and Phily started crying.
‘How could you????’
‘I wanted to show the world that I don’t discriminate against any woman, no matter their size our color’
Phily sniveled. ‘Well I suppose you are the Prince of the People’
‘So you forgive me?’
‘Of course I do!!! But what shall we do about your brother and sister in law’
‘We put it to the vote. Everyone listen!!!’
The room listened intently to Henri’s commanding voice.
‘Hands up if you want these two as your king and queen’ he pointed at Kermajesty and Will.I.Am and no one put their hand up. Kermaj glared at Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, but he too did not raise his hand.
‘Hands up if you want myself and my wife to be to be your king and queen’. Everyone put their hands up. Kermaj hurled herself at them and Phily had to duck to avoid a face full of nethers.
‘Seize them!’ screamed the queen. ‘William, Catherine, you will be stripped of your titles and henceforth be known as Michael and Carole Middlescum the second’
Phily looked nervously, ‘and what of innocent Gayorg?’
‘He is not yet a Middlescum, so you and Henri will adopt him’
‘Yes, your majesty’
Michael and Carole Middlescum the second were removed kicking and screaming and Gayorg, renamed Philip instantly became the happy baby he never was.
Jimmu was also removed but not before she had her final word.
‘WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?????? WHAT THE FUCK DOES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOU, YOU BLOODY BASTARD?????? WHO THE FUCKING HELL GIVES A SHIT OR FUCK ABOUT YOU BEING DEAD???? YOU DIE ALSO I WOULDN’T GIVE A FUCK!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! DON’T SEND ME SHIT QUESTIONS & EXPECT ME TO BE NICE OR SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS YOU FUCKER!!! DON’T YOU HAVE A LIFE???? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW YOU!!! GOT IT???? I D-O-N-‘-T K-N-O-W Y-O-U!!! WHAT DOES WHAT I WRITE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU?????? WHO ARE YOU???? WHY YOU SO BUSYBODY WITH WHAT I WRITE????? WHAT IS IT TO YOU WHAT I WRITE??? ARE YOU MY FRIEND??? NO, THEN WHY BE AN ASSHOLE??? GET A LIFE & DON’T SIMPLY FUCKING ASSUME ANYTHING OKAY!!!’
The service then got underway and the pope married Prince Henry of Wales to Philanthropina Gloriana Brittania England.
When they processed through the streets, the crowds rejoiced.
'I love you Henri'
'I love jesus and Jimmu for sending you to me my angel, let us make a baby tonight. Philip needs a sister'
'Anything for the love of Henri!'
Phily and Henri kissed on the balcony and Phily sang for her people with her pauper child friends as back up vocals.
And they lived in a faithful, happy, philanthropic marriage forever and ever. AMEN
Best leading lady in a royal fanfic, Philanthropina in For the love of Henri by duchessanon. Best fanfic overall For the love of Henri by duchessanon
Send to royal-fandom-awards.tumblr.com/ask